i’ve been a little lost

November 16, 2016

From September up to now, I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. 

From losing my job to losing myself – and to top it off, Hillary’s election loss, there were so many changes and emotions going on in a short period of time. There were days and weeks at a time where I couldn’t compose myself.

Work has been quite challenging, but this is what I call growth. I am in a completely new field and environment that has been amounting to some stress. There are many perks such as my team and the work culture, but the work itself has been difficult. My VP sat with me today and told me to start all over – as in my strategy approach. Reset, she said.  I’ll save the full on details for a story at thecnnekt.com

But a preview of the work culture – my boss calls me “Honey” and said, “I want a relationship with you.” This is a whole new level that I have never experienced. Right now my focus has been centered around work and expanding thecnnekt. This is not new news, really. 

Simultaneously as I embarked a new career, I am going through this again. This time not as bad as the last. The wound is deeper because I did not foresee this pain. I feel lost yet again, but reading Michael Faudet’s words gave me comfort:

Lost is a lovely place to find yourself.  ‘

I like to remind myself that we all are lost in some ways and this is natural in life. So that’s that. In my attempts of doing so, I’ve joined a running club, go to meetups, indulge in art regularly, and simply establishing new routines. I’m a fan of routines. 

Sidebar: you know the funny thing is, I used to be the girl that never cried in public to becoming the woman who cries everywhere in New York. On the train. On the sidewalk. In the restaurant. In pigeon pose during yoga class. Everywhere – ask the girls. It’s crazy how New York and love has made me so vulnerable. 

To tell you the truth: I’m still not one-hundred percent okay. Parts of me is impatient with myself, but in these last couple of weeks, I’ve started to feel healthy, again. Like emotionally stable. 

I know I will have my moments where I do feel hurt, and I need to allow myself to mourn and feel the loss. I’ve come to terms that it is okay to not be okay. 

So to my family and friends, I am sorry that I’ve isolated myself from a lot of social invites and communication, in general. I was going through a lot of shit that I was not ready to share with you and the public, but I am ready to come back to life again.

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 Candid photo taken for work. 

with much love,
c

post-election thoughts

November 13, 2016

I did not want to write something right away because it would’ve been a reactive post. Instead, I let these thoughts, emotions, and how the post-election ravel itself.

There is so much noise right now, and I just wanted to stay silent. I think we all had this expectation for Hillz to win. We, the Democrats, were certain. 

I was trying so hard to fight my tiredness, but when 3am rolled around, I had to sleep.  I woke up thinking, maybe things changed and the final results came out differently. No. All over Twitter read, “Donald Trump is president elected.” 

My heart sank. Is this what America is? Yes.

Who are we fooling. America has always been like this, but we chose to see things differently. We surrounded ourselves who share the same perspectives. For me, the Progressives, obviously. We easily de-friend people who have different views than us, when we should have listened. 

Makes me wonder do I live in a fucking bubble?

I invested in this Election – so when Hillary didn’t metaphorically shatter the Glass Ceiling in the Javits Center, I cried. This is what Hillary’s loss meant to me: that a woman, despite her credentials, knowledge and how well she conducts herself, she will be remained unfit.

Then, there is this whole other argument, but a common one. Hearing people’s comments about how she lacked emotion makes me so upset. It is never a win-win for Us (women). When we show too much emotion we are labeled as “too emotional” and if we are composed, we are categorized as cold-hearted, stoic, or my ultimate favorite robotic.

What the fuck do you want from Us? 

I know there are many variables involved in this election as well – how she is a manipulative politician and will not bring much change to our nation. There can be a running list of things that the people and the media has shared, but my takeaway is that reality, being a woman in America. We just had their first Black President, they were in no way ready for a woman to call the shots. I get it – instead we have a buffoon as our Future President. 

As Hillary said in her concession speech, we need to stay together and also be opened to see how Trump will lead us as a nation. Although I have not quite accepted it fully yet, I will try to mourn less and be open-minded.
I am excited though to see how the next four years will unfold because in New York, Oakland, and Los Angeles, I’ve seen all these rallies and protest, and it just reminds me of the older revolutions in the 60s.
This is the time for change, everyone.
Be ready. 
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We have still have not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling. But some day, someone will. – Hillary Rodham Clinton

you deserve better

November 3, 2016

You deserve better.

Whether it is being disrespected by your colleagues or compromising your wants and needs in a relationship, it is a sentence that is often said to comfort the person, and in a way, to provoke a call to action.

Why do we say this? Out of obligation? I have always appreciated comments like this and question its genuineness, but it makes me ponder: do I really deserve better?

Before I begin, I am one of those individuals who are careful with words and don’t toss around certain words so freely. I’m intentional. So when I think of the word “deserve” I go by its definition: do something or have or show qualities worthy of.

Now let me align the definition with an example – let’s say, my job – I really applied myself, going above and beyond, and now during my evaluation, I believe a raise is well-deserved.

That is how it’s done, right? I worked hard, when the salary doesn’t compensate the demands I’ve met, I ask for a raise because I deserve it. Yet some people, including my younger self and recent graduates, refuse to accept any offers that are entry-level salary or don’t pay enough because they have a degree and two internships.

Why do we think and feel we deserve more? 

Shifting thoughts now – if I think I don’t deserve any better, what does that say about me? That I don’t value myself? That I battle with self-confidence? But what if I truly believe i don’t deserve better because I know that I did not applied myself 100 percent?

What if I felt that I didn’t earn it?

So ask yourself: do you truly deserve better? 

clean slate

October 21, 2016

Starting Monday, I am on a new career path.

I will be working in one of New York’s finest recruiting agency. I’m nervous, but eager to embark this new chapter in my life. LinkedIn and Facebook updated. Yeah, it’s real. 

Before I secured this opportunity – I had a whole month to explore new places (eateries and bars), zone in with thecnnekt, write and pitch stories to be published, and the most importantly – evaluate my direction in life. 

I had the time to really reset. Reset on myself and my career. 

There are so many life’s uncertainties, as I am sure we all feel, but I knew I had this strong desire to start somewhere new and outside of fashion. This ‘want’ for something new has been brewing in me for a very long time. I was ready to be stimulated and challenged in a new working environment. Above all, I wanted to be valued as an employee and individual.

At first, when you are out of a job, you are panicking and getting whatever you can. Not having time to think about what appropriate steps to take. The whole conflict is: beggars can’t be choosers. 

I didn’t want to be a beggar anymore. I wanted to choose wisely. I had a jumpstart on the job search since late August and early September. While this has been a slow moving process, it allowed me some time. So, I genuinely asked myself: do you really want this? 

The career lateral direction was a move we all saw coming. This time in the job search, I consciously sought positions outside of the fashion and PR arenas. You all can agree with me that job hunting is such a painful experience. There is a lot of labor in this and so many emotions, at least for me.

I have never felt so insecure about my professionalism and competency until I began looking into different industries. My initial reactions were: what if I am not smart enough? Can I really do this? Am I selling myself short? Do you really, really, really want this job?

These reactions are normal, I tell myself. And if you haven’t noticed though, I’m insecure AF. 

But anyway, I just wanted to share that little bit with you: if you are serious about making a change in your career, take your time to evaluate the roles out there and once you find out what space you want to be in, be assertive. 

I think a repeated lesson here is: take fucking risks and learn to bet on yourself. It’s worth the gamble. You’ll be surprised. For me, it’s all well-deserved and I’m feeling incredibly thankful.

 

C

PS: here are some archives to stir up old feels: saying goodbye to pr, outgrowing fashion, the black sheep, and moving onward.

 

sex and the city

October 16, 2016

It’s Sunday night and I just finished hanging out with Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte.

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I finished six seasons in one entire week – I know, this is hardcore binging. I have never seen the entire series, all at once ever. As a kid, the show would play late night, and I only caught a few minutes of the episodes not comprehending the plot or anything. I was never a die-hard fan.

Now having watched the series as an adult, I have a vastly different opinions and thoughts. Three in particular – One: wow, what a huge disservice to women in New York. Two: Carrie is stupid. Three: Miranda is my profound favorite.

I think it’s natural for us to want to cling to a particular character – whether they have archetypes that we obtain or aspire to have. Of course, like with most women-relationship centric shows, I try to find myself in these characters. While it can be for the obvious reason, I could be a Carrie, but then I realized, I am not quite like her.

I wasn’t like anyone – they all had a little something-something that summed up me, but not solely one character.

Carrie is immature in a lot of ways. Though her humor is fabulous and so is her shoe collection, a columnist who cannot prioritize her finances was not cute. How is she making that much money and spending it on Manolos? Not only that, I think her obsession with being in a relationship was stupid. I’d never move to Paris with a man because he says, “Let’s go” or some shit. For me, you better put a ring on it if you are trying to take me out of New York. I am not kidding.

I understand that there may be a population of women who are obsessed with relationships, but let’s just say, I’ve never been the type to really, really chase for love. So yeah, that is my verdict on Carrie.

I grew to admire Miranda throughout my binge. It’s ironic because I remember when I was younger, a lot of girls did not want to be the Miranda, so I didn’t want to be the Miranda. But Miranda is a realist, though she can come off as a thousand percent cynic. I liked how she was very judgmental and asked the fearful questions because, well, someone has to do it, right? Call someone out on their shit and be that honest friend. Her life seem more attainable and the way she carried herself. Her issues were more than trying to get laid or chase some fantasy relationship. Although she did complain about not having sex in a few episodes.

I am not undermining Carrie’s issues, but c’mon. 

I did not want to write another blurb dissecting every true/false depiction of Women in New York because other major publications have done it and well, I don’t have time to do something that detailed. But I figured I share some initial thoughts as soon as I wrap up the series while

Here’s my last thought – the frequency of ladies who lunch is not attainable whatsoever….Four grown women dining together like that all the time? I have to plan weeks out to get time with the girls. Seriously.

Ta-ta for now!

C

 

writing is personal

October 11, 2016

I was asked, “Do you write for yourself?”

That may sound like a silly question to you, but it really raises the question: are you doing it for yourself or for an audience?

For me, writing has always been so personal. Before I went some sort of public with my life through Xanga, I have always confided in spiral bind college-rule pages as a young girl – a time where I was more reserved and had no one to talk to. I remember old journals filled up with sparkly gel-pens – ah, those pubescent ages. 

Now approaching the latter of my twenties, my blog and my private journal continues to be the spaces where I share my thoughts. But I bounce back to the original question – if I am writing for myself or an audience, often.

A photo by Dustin Lee. unsplash.com/photos/jLwVAUtLOAQ

Do I gear towards a central theme because I know it will create buzz? This is my publicity and marketing brain speaking. Or do I write about the shit I go through and just share it with the World in hopes it will connect with people? This is me talking. 

I think it is what I choose to write about that will make me steer one way or the other…

Truthfully, it’s never solely the former. However, doing the work that I do now such as heading up thecnnekt, it is a mesh of both. I want to write stories that remain personal, but can spark that connection between the audience. I want the reader to feel whatever I am feeling. I want their thoughts to be provoked!

This is because based on what our contributors and I have shared with the public – the feedback our team has received has been tremendous. I really think we are onto something great! 

But at the end of the day (and in my private journal), I do write for myself as a way to document my life – keep tabs on my development and well, sanity.

So if you asked me that question again, I don’t know if I can simplify my response for you.

C

 

 

 

 

a poem about poems and love

October 6, 2016

What I have always loved
about writing is
the simplicity of words
intertwined
thus creating beautiful thoughts and sentences.

The same man
who made me fall
in love with
poetry
also made me
fall deeply
in love
with him.

Every line he writes
is a subtle gateway
to his mind and soul.
He never writes a poem
for a girl, he says.

But he did once
for me.

He read me his
favorite poems
by dead poets
on a warm Sunday
at Fort Green Park.

It was truly
one of my favorite
dates of all time.

I guess you can say
Poetry and love
are similar.
It can make you
filled with life
or empty.

onward, shall we?

I was encouraged to enjoy the time off before I transition into my new role. I am one of those people who always stayed busy, so when I don’t have anything to do and time off, I don’t know what to do with my time, and end up stressing out about having too much free time.

I know, I sound pretty ridiculous.

It’s because I never had that luxury. Anyway first things first, I’ll update you with that I am no longer working in PR.

And I am quite relief to be honest. 

Holding off on the storytelling of this and major announcements as I am trying to be more mindful of the now and not look backwards.

When your future boss gives you a later start date than expected, you “enjoy the time off.” So, I booked a quick trip to DC to visit The Lee’s in their new neighborhood: Washington DC.

Luckily for me, the bus ticket was only $19 because I had a discount. Talk about #winning.

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There are definitely more pictures I took on this trip, but only sharing a few because it will take forever to edit and upload and all that good stuff. You know me, I can be quite lazy. Plus, thecnnekt’s having our Soft Launch tonight and I have to get balloons. And I am nervous and excited at the same time for the turn out!

Ah!

Okay, will write and share more soon!

C

not mia, just focused

September 18, 2016

I remember there was a specific time frame in college, where I was busy doing me, and I got a lot of shit from other people. Shit like:

Why you so MIA? 

I was just focused, obsessed maybe, with doing well in all categories in my life. That meant excelling in my academics and graduating by my goal-date, contributing to organizations, my internship (which did catapult my fashion career), and working part-time at the student recreation center, all while trying to obtain some fitness regime.

I rarely had time to go to social gatherings – or what I used to say: “fuck shit up” with my friends. I just had different priorities then, and I still do now. But back then, I carried this guilt with me. I always felt bad that I couldn’t attend a mixer, or participate in fun things because I obviously knew I had to study, work, or take a trip back to Pomona to visit my family. Trust me, I had a strong case of the FOMO before the term was even established.

I remember going to Downtown Fullerton while there were deadlines and other pressing matters to attend to. But I was young, wild, and cared too much about peoples’ opinions of me then.

But what is much different now compared to then is the guilt that was with me is utterly gone. Now, when I am working on something for thecnnekt, but missing on the latest party in Brooklyn, I don’t feel bad.

The great thing about growing up is giving less fucks. Seriously. 

My desire to go out and stay out late is nonexistent. My priorities have changed a lot, and my ass is more on the line than my wild college years (Circa 2009 – 2011) because well, I am adult now. There is no guilt and shame when I say, “I can’t make it” or “I don’t want to go out tonight.”

I am doing me – just focused on being a better version of myself right now and tunnel vision about my goals.

So, I understand why people are being MIA – they’re just busy doing them. S’all good.

 

 

 

 

balance & gratitude

August 16, 2016

I am having difficulty with finding balance with life right now along with other details that I am not ready to share. While I try to compose my emotions and thoughts, parts of me want to give up on adulthood and chasing this dream. 

I think it is easy to run far away from your problems. Parts of me think it’s cowardly, to be honest. To keep fighting for whatever you want takes a lot of guts and resilience. I know my Mom taught me better than to do the Kayne Shrug and walk away from what I’ve worked hard for.

In moments like these – what I like to call Darkness (I know, this is so broad, but trust me it’s filled with so many dark emotions), I like to reflect on the things and people I am grateful for and how amazing my Humid Summer has been.

Then, makes me think about the bigger picture – it ain’t so bad. Calm the eff down, Chary. 

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These are just some highs of Summer. My takeaway from this Summer is spending time with loved ones – family and friends, and is finding focus in certain things like my current project thecnnekt. 

So family and friends, whether you’re having a shitty ass day, week, month, or however long this Darkest Moment is for you – don’t forget to look at the good shit that is happening in your life. It will change your perspective and attitude – especially in your life.

Like let’s be honest – it ain’t thaaaaat bad. 

In the words of Albus Dumbledore: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times. If one only remembers to turn on the light.

– C