why i don’t date asian men

June 17, 2016

If you read my last post below, then you’ve noted my comment about not dating Asian men.

So when friends asked me to elaborate on why as an Asian woman who doesn’t like to date Asian men, a part of me felt obliged to tell my story and thoughts on this matter.

For the record, I’ve dated Asian men before – Cambodian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, and Filipino. You name it. It’s not that I don’t find Asian men attractive, because I do, sometimes. But for me, it’s one of those experiences where it is a “been there, done that” and you’re seeking something new and fresh.

Here is a simple analogy: I used to be obsessed with Passion Green Tea in high school – it was my go-to. After adventuring to many boba shops and exposed to a variety of flavors, my taste palette developed and expanded. Now in recent years, I’m all ’bout that Taro Milk Tea.

That is precisely where I am. 

To argue against the societal myth that they (Asian men) are incapable of having emotion, maybe this is embedded in the general Asian culture where we do often lack emotional intelligence. However, there are a few who defy the so-called “stereotype.” I’ve dated Asian men who were more romantic than I expected – more than I was (and I’m totally a romantic-type), and woo’ed the shit out of me. So there is such thing about Asian men having emotion and being affectionate!

Asian men are often labelled as effeminate, meaning they are not “manly” enough. This has to do with gender roles, and frankly, the lines have blurred between what is considered masculine and feminine in my point of view. I am tired of this gender roles bullshit, too.

As far as the penis size – sizes vary as it would for all men. The color of your skin does not justify how enormous or tiny your penis is.

So Dear Society, shut the fuck up and quit shoving these myths about each race in the media and our minds.

What drew the line for me when it came to dating Asian men was the different mindsets we have. The morals and beliefs didn’t align, and this is certainly important to me. As you all know, I am a woman of many strong opinions and just the way I carry myself.

Similar to stereotypes of Asian men, Asian women has a set of their own – being submissive, delicate, and often labeled as “exotic” by Western (and Asian Societies). I challenge what you call “normal Asian girl.” I have known this growing up, but did not know how to vocalize and articulate how I was not similar amongst my Asian-American women, then.

But to my point, I later discovered not only Asian men, but some men in general, cannot handle a women who obtained a set of modern ideals and vocalize them, passionately.

There will be certain men (traditional values, big penis, effeminate) in all races, so why did we specifically target Asian men? It is all so stupid.

So, to answer your question to why I don’t date Asian men – I’ve explored the Boba menu and right now, Taro Milk Tea is my jam.

Those are my thoughts. Happy Friday!

Tiff + Adriana, if you are reading this – hope I didn’t spoil our Sunday convo, but will be more happy to hash out dirty details over dimsum (; 

– C

 Edit: June 18, 2016

A friend pointed out that I stereotyped Asian men as “traditional.” I had to reread what I wrote, and ultimately, I did. I am sorry about that – I ended up contradicting myself as opposed to what I was here to do – defy stereotypes.

But this goes back to the original theme of this post – everyone, every race, can be this-or-that and not solely Asians.

Thank you all so much for reading!

 

marriage and race

June 12, 2016

“You have boyfriend?” 

One of the daunting questions at family gatherings. Yikes.

Although, it has never phased me, the pressure gets real when I am surrounded by family (and sometimes, peers) who are embarking this path. I know you’ve probably faced this, too, when your Facebook feed is comprised of: engagements, weddings, and babies.

I totally get it. 

We are in this modern era where our first marriage doesn’t happen until our late-twenties, pushing towards thirties, and some may not even wedded at all. This is common now. There are things we are still trying to solidify in our lives, like our own identity and grasping adulthood – how can we even figure marriage?

Here is the twist, the ongoing conversation between my family is not about marriage, but it is the fact that I don’t want to marry within my own race. I have relatives and family friends (you know, your “aunt”) who have been fixated on this. When they asked me if I have found a nice and wealthy Cambodian man, and I respond with an obvious “No,” followed by, “I don’t date Asian men” I’m flooded with questions to why not?

For the record – I used to, okay. 

I grew up in Pomona, where the demographic is predominately Hispanics. Now, living in New York, I am bound to meet people from different backgrounds and ethnicities. I am surrounded by diversity, and I cannot help who I like! It’s 2016, where interracial couples are common, right?

Also, note that Asian men don’t date Asian women like me. I discovered this through my college years – I have strong opinions and some men aren’t very fond of that. If you have not seen Ali Wong’s Baby Cobra Stand Up comedy bit, you need to watch this. She nailed it!

Although, I know my relatives’ intentions are well and they don’t mean any harm, they come from a time period when you are 22, you are already married with your first-born while trying to make something of yourself if you are presented with such an opportunity. I understand to why they’re asking me such questions – what’s next, Chary…?

I’m in this age bracket when one is “supposed to have” X, Y, and Z. Read: marriage, buy a house, and have kids.

Trust me, I do want to get married and own a home, but my timeline and preference is just a little different that’s all.

– C

PS: thank you for all chiming in to ready this – I have been requested to write a follow up to answer all of your questions. Be on the look out (:

i got the feels

May 26, 2016

Full disclosure: my parents are wonderful and kind people. Their approach has change drastically over the years, and now, we are finally in a “conventional” state.

Growing up as an Asian-American, I struggle with unwanted emotions and how to react in unpleasant situations.

I guess you can also say, scholarly, there was a lack of “emotional intelligence” in my upbringing. In our household, my parents always held themselves together – strong figures, and extremely different nurturing styles compared to what you see on television. My childhood was nowhere near or resembled Fuller House.

Hugs were rare and feelings were hardly discussed. Hugs and verbal acknowledgments were only exchanged during milestones: honor rolls, graduations, etc. Sentences as “I am so proud of you” were saved for big occasions like Graduation. For the semester grades, the expectations of passing with flying with colors were embedded in us before we even started our education careers.

My siblings and I were conditioned with a “suck it up” attitude. My Dad always told me, “Don’t cry” growing up. We don’t cry about our problems, and we don’t cry over dumb shit. Both my parents were very persistent about not crying over boys. What we were taught to do was to “move on.” There was no such thing as wallowing, or dealing with whatever it was. The act of crying is almost foreign in our home. 

Because of this, you can see why and how my siblings and I are the way we are  – we didn’t know better.

Often, society associates crying as a form of weakness. It’s a strange thought, though – as an adult I am learning how to feel and deal with the natural not-so-pretty emotions: sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. I even cry now in happy moments, this was a whole new level I’ve reached. With the reminders from friends, it took me a very long time to accept that crying only means I am human and is not a sign of weakness.

It’s fucking okay to cry! 

I want to close with this: when we express our emotions too much, there is a backlash. I know people have mixed reviews for Kanye’s 808’s & Heartbreak album because it was a sentimental side of him – what does our society say about having emotions?

You know when you say, “I hate that I feel this way” when you are referring to an unwanted emotion. A phrase that subtly implies that our emotions aren’t valid or aren’t worth recognizing. Says a lot about our society though and how having emotions is stigmatized of some sort.

Honestly, fuck it.

– C

woman seeking women

May 19, 2016

How did you guys meet? 

I answered confidently, “Online.”

Yeah, unconventional meets are kind of my thang.  

In an era where you can snag a date same-day with a swipe, this is nothing new. I absolutely have no shame in publicizing myself to find a friend. There is an even a lady-friendly app for that. 

I can understand why this is a brow raiser for you or why would anyone want to post an article online about making friends. You might as well say I am putting up an ad on Craiglist under “women seeking women.”

I like to think, by a certain age, we have developed our close knit of friends and our local community. But there are not many talks about being a transplant, picking up your life, moving out of state, and building a community all over again – as a grown ass person. You begin to desire a connection with a person, and/or the need to create a new community.

I wrote this article when I arrived in New York about making women-adult friendships. (I wish I can share this, but the site shut down and I never clipped the piece!) In short, the piece described the struggles of an adult making friends and asking the readers/writers how does one make friends in a large city filled with people who shared the same quirky interests and passion for life as I did?

The results of this piece then inspired me to join forces with amazing women to create an avenue for those women who are looking for the same thing as we all did once. We want to revive quality content back into an age where the market is hella saturated and create meaningful relationships amongst like-minded individuals.

thecnnekt_updated

If you have not done so already, please click here to get a short version of Our Story. You can also catch us tweeting and ‘gramming.

Maybe, I should put an ad out there screaming “women seeking like-minded women, but only for friendships” ?

Lastly, I want to do a huge shout out for all of those who have been supportive since the birth of this project. Thank you, thank you!

I cannot wait to see what will happen!

Best,
C

for my mother

May 8, 2016

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Mom,

Thank you for grilling my ass in my upbringing. If it was not for the constant disciplinary actions, then I don’t think I would’ve recognized right from wrong. Thank you for teaching me the value of hard work because I am not just some entitled Millennial.

Thank you for giving me enough guidance in life, but leaving room for me to fuck shit up and learning from my own mistakes. Thank you for your constant support throughout the years – for the wins and the losses. Thank you for your honesty and pure heart as now I have a heart of gold.

Thank you for being a strong woman, whom I took after, naturally. Most importantly, thank you for all of your sacrifices, so you can provide for your children.

I love you so much. Happy Mother’s Day!

Love,
Your Eldest

it comes in waves

May 6, 2016

I am human, and I forget to acknowledge this sometimes.

Just like you, I battle with insecurities. One day I may feel super confident about my shit, then tomorrow, not so much. We have our days. I am not always killing it in New York. Sometimes, I get beaten up so bad, that I wallow for days at a time. But I always bounce back. Always.

Overall, I am a confident woman, but my insecurities comes in waves. This is totally normal, right? I think so.

I have written about my doubts and not being good enough before. I always felt like I will never be a great writer because of the content I choose to produce. I have not mastered the art of articulating my thoughts into words for newsworthy articles. As in, the topics I write about are more on the “softer” side of things.

This is not to say, I don’t give a shit about the GOP, Women’s Rights (do you not know me?), or understanding bigger things happening in the World. I do care!

Recently, I learned to accept that the subjects I choose to write about does not justify my competency as a writer. Sure, the topics weigh differently, but I am good enough. With continuous practice and knowledge, I can become a stronger writer. I need to stop fucking comparing myself to the next writer, to the next woman – to anyone for that matter! (And I know this…)

Truthfully, these past few weeks have been serious internal battles with my insecurities and lack of inspirations, but today I received something that moved my spirits:

I just thought you should know that writer to writer, woman to woman, what you say and put out there is deeply appreciated, and heard. I’m very confident in the writer I am but what I lack is your willingness to be vulnerable and just lay it all out there. Keep doing that. The world neeeeeds that! I needed that! I needed to see girls my age doing that and the people around me that weren’t “famous” doing that. I respect so much what you’re doing, your blog, your ups and downs with PR- everything. I admire you’re transparency. Basically lol thank u.

Thank you, Casey, for sharing this with me! Such a heart-felt message, and seriously, made me feel good about my craft.

I guess I am doing something right, after all. Not bad, Chary!

– C

 

 

brb, i’m too busy

May 1, 2016

My mom never calls me because she thinks “I’m too busy.”

It hurts my feelings, but she doesn’t understand how or why it does.

I don’t know what I project, verbally or in my actions, that makes me seem so busy. Yeah, I got shit going on, as I am sure you do, too, but it’s not as if I don’t make time for the important people and things in my life.

There is this whole “busy” culture and/or lifestyle that annoys me.

We’ve been so conditioned to excuse people when we hear, “I am sorry, I’m busy,” when they fail to commit to plans. We brush it off, but that’s not cool. In my opinion, this whole “busy” line is just an excuse to not take any action, especially making time for someone or something.

Simply: it is a fucking excuse.

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Because in the end, if you wanted to make anything happen, whether time to hang out or go to the gym, you do, right?

It bothers me, that people fail to reach out or shoot a text, because we’re all “too busy” for one another. Yet, we have the time to utilize our phones for selfies, snapping mindless videos, and random shit. Why? Tell me you don’t get upset when you text someone, there’s no response, but they just posted on social media?

Trust me, I am no Saint – guilty of this, too. I check myself before I wreck myself in these type of situations though.

Aside from the lack of efforts to sustain any kind of relationship, there is this small thought that comes to my mind…

The feeling of importance – because I am so busy, my workload is superior than yours. Sure, that may or may not be true, but it’s a lack of respect in the bigger picture. Just because I am not launching a business does not mean my work is irrelevant or lack some importance.

It’s belittling.

We shame on the receptionist because all she does is answer phones and make copies, but I am sure there are more dimensions to her role than just fucking answering, “This is Becky speaking, how can I assist you?”

Have you acknowledged that before? Food for thought.

I hope you can connect the dots on how this whole busy culture affects us in how we communicate with one another.

Disclosure: I am understanding, but I am also honest. Like any sane soul, I will only tolerate a certain amount of excuses. After “x” amount, then I’ll interpret it as bullshit, and off you go…disappearing from my life.

 

writing a fantasy

April 26, 2016

My boss asked, “What do you want to do?”

“All I want to do is write,” I responded.

My fatigue for fashion has become transparent amongst my colleagues (and on social media). If this is a shocker to you, then please read the previous posts. 

I know, this constant battle of trying to navigate life is exhausting, and I hate feeling lost…especially in life!

To keep my hopes alive, somehow, I imagined three different “what if’s,” scenarios, or what I called them here “fantasies” because if life was perfect, this is how I’d have it:

‘Fantasy A‘ consists of working a job that supports my essentials and is less demanding, ultimately giving me more headspace and time to write. In Fantasy A, I am a successful columnist – regularly published and earning some monetary goods.

But when I take a closer look at Fantasy A, I ask myself: will I be happy? I don’t know, but I imagined myself not being challenged at my job – and this job would probably be something in admin or customer service/hospitality. Then again, my real job would be writing, right? Ugh.

‘Fantasy B’ is my current path, sorta. But I’d be making a lateral move from PR to editorial/ social, and focus on the audiences that share my similar interest: food, culture, and health and wellness. In other words, do what I do now, but on a content level and towards a different audience. Fantasy B will allow me to flex my writing muscle and work with creating visuals. Would it be a demanding role and take me away from my personal writing? Maybe, but I always make time for it.

‘Fantasy C’ is my quiet, but my deepest desire. The big one of them all! Have thecnnekt launch successfully and become the new avenue for young women to go to for profound, raw, and compelling articles. A series of events will be aligned with the monthly content themes. These events will unite women in major cities who wish to meet like-minded creative, passionate women, and cultivate meaningful relationships. I will write for this along with other contributor writers. This platform will evolve into a functioning business, and along with my partners, we would run our own company while educating, connecting, and inspiring young women. I’ve been working on this quietly. 

Now, that you’ve read through all my wildest fantasies, you can see which element remains the same, and what I really only want to do:

All I want to do is fucking write (for a living). 

post-grad regret

April 7, 2016

It is graduation season, y’all. Meaning the pressure to find a job is on and so real. I am familiar with this.

Our interns have been inquiring about any opened opportunities. And well, while I advise them there are endless opportunities in the Big Apple and being an opinionated woman that I am, I also threw in the whole landing-your-first-job-is-going-to-take-time comment. This conversation made me instantly reflect on my past decisions.

My last college semester was Fall 2012 and all I can think about is securing a full-time job. I was always in a fucking rush. With everything. Maybe that is why I am anxious all the time and when people tell me to “relax,” I do the polar opposite: not relax.

No one advised me the job hunting process would be months until I landed an “okay” job and it will not be my immediate dream job. That is the reality my soon-to-be-graduate-friends. Don’t let that shiny degree paper fool you. Unless you are very fortunate (or worked really, really hard) and you finish school and get your dream job right away, which makes you an exception to the damn rule. Lucky you.

What I wish I did differently was to take time to travel instead. Get lost somewhere.

But then, I was conflicted because with what money? No way my parents were going to fund a trip for me in any way. Yeah, no job equals no money. And we all know: mo’ money, mo’ problems and same goes for no money, mo’ problems. (Too cheesy? Eh, I tried).

Fast forward to now, adult-ish stages, even with a somewhat stable income, I can not find the means to travel due to time – in addition, to all the responsibilities I have now. Work is demanding at times, and I am constantly nervous about calling too much time off.

This is when I often think I should just work low maintenance jobs so I can have the freedom to roam whenever and wherever I want. Ugh, this is a whole topic in itself…

I told myself that when I am older that I will make traveling more of a priority, even if it is within the States. Enrich myself with new sights, people, and of course, food. When friends talk about exploring new countries and speak so excitingly about their past and future adventures, I am here sitting, thinking – I fucking wish I can do that, too.

Guess what? I am older now. So, it’s one of my short-term goals is to save smarter and more, for upcoming travels next year. This is me attempting to make up for loss time in my twenties. Wish me luck!

I made a board on Pintrest about places I’d like to visit in the future – aspirational board. Find it here. 

– C

PS: thank you for all the lovely birthday greetings! I felt so loved and sad at the same time…don’t ask me why. But a week in, 26 looks promising. My boss said it will be a pivotal year. I shall wait and see!

dear new york

March 27, 2016

bkny

This letter may be filled with overused sayings. 

Some say love at first sight is unreal. I once believed this, too, but then I met you. We met in 2008 for less than 24-hours, but I instantly fell in love with you.

I didn’t know when or how, but had a weird feeling we’d meet again. Alas, here we are.

Your energy cannot be duplicated nor can it be described. There are not enough words in the Oxford Dictionary that perfectly justifies how I feel about You. Is that cliche? Quite frankly, yes.

You’ve introduced me to wonderful people who I now called great friends. You also connected me to a community – I’ve never had a community before.

You make me feel alive, and freer than I’ve ever been. I can be my strange self. Crying in public spaces. Talking out loud and dressing foolishly. I never felt judged by you – not once.

You taught me how to go fearlessly into whatever direction I decide to take. You encourage me to continue to be bold and deepen my independence. You affirmed and shaped me into the woman I am today.

For that, I am forever grateful.

But there are days to months at a time, where I utterly despise you.

Often, you make me anxious. I find myself wanting to stop and smell the flowers, but you are constantly on-the-go, and I feel like I need to keep up. I want to continue this relationship, but it can exhausting. I find myself burnt out.

Another reason why I hate you strongly is because you know people who are rude and inconsiderate. People who are constantly “too busy.” My first love, California, knew people who were generally friendly with greetings, and always welcomed smiles. California had different types of friends, that’s all I am saying.

But thanks to you and your friends, I’ve become one of those people who hate people.

Then, there are plenty of times when I think you are extremely inconvenient, with everything. You seem to difficult my life yet I keep running back to you.

You suffocate me in August. You cloak me with your heat and humidity. I find myself wanting to running away from you, even if it is for a weekend, but by Sundays, I am dying to come back to you. You have this powerful, unapologetic magnet that pulls me to you.

Despite the adversities I’ve faced since we’ve met, I choose to look at the great things you have given and shared with me.

I guess you can say I love you, unconditionally.

Love,
A Californian Brooklynite
Chary