Last week I cried every single night…
We all have a moment of weakness.
The moment where we feel like a failure; where our results are not what we have planned and imagined. It sucks. It really does. Sometimes we feel like we are fighting in this never-ending battle and knowing that we will never win.
For me, my constant battle is with myself and with life as I am sure like many of you are battling with, too. As I have mentioned, my blog shares a series of highlights, some more cheery than others, but it’s not a facade I am putting for show. I deliberately choose not to write about the bad things – just take my word when I say I have big lows, too.
I am human. Things happen. Life happens.
In this very moment, I will openly tell you that I have never felt the way I have felt before. It is not that feeling when you really like someone – it’s the ultimate low and being so self-critical. I am naturally a fighter (and a survivor) – when life wants to play hardball, I am up for it.
However, as of late due to a series of things, I want to give up. I want to give up on the whole chasing my dreams in the Big Apple. What I will say to you that you may not understand, unless you live in New York: the City wears you down a little. You are overworked and given less credit.
By all means, I am not saying at the end of the day, I want a gold-star to my name – no. I want some form of reassurance. The difficult part is when you are always striving for happiness and success, and you may never see it.
In my darkest moments, I have to tell myself that the dream does exist – that the silver lining is tangible and I am going to make it in New York. I came out here with a goal and a dream, and by gosh, it is hard. You know what I realized? It has not even been a full year since my move and friends say I am killing it. I try, hard. Seriously.
I got this cool calendar from Paper Source in SoHo that just describe the motions I have been going through perfectly:
Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process. – Alexandra Stoddard
We always want things we cannot have. We become impatient and lose sight of the bigger picture. Things in life are not like social media, where you post a picture and instantly get likes; it is not instant gratification. I need to remind myself that because sometimes, I do lose sight of why I am in the position I am. I am so fixated on the fifth step that I cannot even walk the two steps prior to get there.
Another note: I need to restore my faith in myself. I have lost sight of self-confidence and self-love – I know, this is unusual and by far, not me! Due to the things I am currently facing, it has been quite a challenge to overcome this. New York is challenging me in sorts of ways, and I never saw this coming. The transition is still happening and very real.
I am coming out alive, though. I know I will – in due time. Give me a few more months and I will be a seasoned New Yorker.
Times where I feel like I cannot move forward and when I express myself to my family and friends back at home, the things I hear seriously makes me cry like a fat baby. A friend mentioned that everyone back at home is rooting for me – and I believe that! For those who read my blog regularly, I can never thank you enough. The support system I have is amazing.
Don’t be too surprised if I am crying by the end of this post…
Anyway, it is getting late and I have a huge interview tomorrow. Goodnight family and friends – thank you for tuning in.