so you wanna give up?

April 30, 2015

Last week I cried every single night…

We all have a moment of weakness.

The moment where we feel like a failure; where our results are not what we have planned and imagined. It sucks. It really does. Sometimes we feel like we are fighting in this never-ending battle and knowing that we will never win.

For me, my constant battle is with myself and with life as I am sure like many of you are battling with, too. As I have mentioned, my blog shares a series of highlights, some more cheery than others, but it’s not a facade I am putting for show. I deliberately choose not to write about the bad things – just take my word when I say I have big lows, too.

I am human. Things happen. Life happens.

In this very moment, I will openly tell you that I have never felt the way I have felt before. It is not that feeling when you really like someone – it’s the ultimate low and being so self-critical. I am naturally a fighter (and a survivor) – when life wants to play hardball, I am up for it.

However, as of late due to a series of things, I want to give up. I want to give up on the whole chasing my dreams in the Big Apple. What I will say to you that you may not understand, unless you live in New York: the City wears you down a little. You are overworked and given less credit.

By all means, I am not saying at the end of the day, I want a gold-star to my name – no. I want some form of reassurance. The difficult part is when you are always striving for happiness and success, and you may never see it.

In my darkest moments, I have to tell myself that the dream does exist – that the silver lining is tangible and I am going to make it in New York. I came out here with a goal and a dream, and by gosh, it is hard. You know what I realized? It has not even been a full year since my move and friends say I am killing it. I try, hard. Seriously.

I got this cool calendar from Paper Source in SoHo that just describe the motions I have been going through perfectly:

DSC03341

Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process. – Alexandra Stoddard

We always want things we cannot have. We become impatient and lose sight of the bigger picture. Things in life are not like social media, where you post a picture and instantly get likes; it is not instant gratification. I need to remind myself that because sometimes, I do lose sight of why I am in the position I am. I am so fixated on the fifth step that I cannot even walk the two steps prior to get there.

Another note: I need to restore my faith in myself. I have lost sight of self-confidence and self-love – I know, this is unusual and by far, not me!  Due to the things I am currently facing, it has been quite a challenge to overcome this. New York is challenging me in sorts of ways, and I never saw this coming. The transition is still happening and very real.

I am coming out alive, though. I know I will – in due time. Give me a few more months and I will be a seasoned New Yorker.

Times where I feel like I cannot move forward and when I express myself to my family and friends back at home, the things I hear seriously makes me cry like a fat baby. A friend mentioned that everyone back at home is rooting for me – and I believe that! For those who read my blog regularly, I can never thank you enough. The support system I have is amazing.

Don’t be too surprised if I am crying by the end of this post…

Anyway, it is getting late and I have a huge interview tomorrow. Goodnight family and friends – thank you for tuning in.

– C

  • JaLisa Watson

    Hang in there chica! I’m going through the same thing you are; I feel its a mid 20’s thing?! I just quit my cushy job at an advertising agency because it was definitely NOT where I wanted to be. Being at that job made me lose myself, and thats not the direction I want to go in at such a young age. I found myself crying almost everyday, and finding every excuse in the book to call in and ‘work from home.’ Quitting was the BEST decision I could have ever made–I’m more confidant in myself, and just have a better overall glow. Doubt and worry is a natural part of life, but with every low there is a greater high! Been following your blog for a while, and it really inspires me seeing you stepping out and just doing you! Keep it up! 🙂

    • http://buttonsandchary.com/ Chary S.

      Hi JaLisa,

      Thank you for your kind words and I am glad that I somehow resonated with you! Glad to know that you are much happier and confident now. I think I would be in the same condition if I up and quit my job, but I need the monies ):

      How did you know when to throw in the towel? That is my trouble sometimes. Are you happier with your new role now? Please do tell!

      And thank you for checking in and following my thoughts. It really, really means a lot to me (:

      – C