the bitch broke my heart

October 31, 2017

It’s been a year since our a break up. Truthfully, it was one of those pivotal break ups – the one you remember after so much time passes. You just don’t forget it.

Prior to him, I was really good at fronting my emotions, and blocking out shit that I did not want to feel. You know? Unattached. Emotionally unavailable. Channeling all of my energy into my work.

Now – kid you not, I’ve cried in many places – on the sidewalk. At the office. On the trains. In yoga in a pigeon pose. Yeah, sobbing.

I have always been good at keeping busy and occupying my time with productive things. But there was also this other side of me…I have been destructive with myself, too. I used to fill in the void with entertaining senseless people, binge drink, and indulge in drugs. Pure bullshit.

But none of that ever made me feel better about myself. It left me waking up to being broke, potentially hungover, and filled with regret. Now post break up, I have to do this thing where I need to heal.

I am still looking for better ways to cope with break ups – it’s a little foreign. It starts with me isolating myself from family and friends for a bit. Healthy activities / methods such as writing to monitor my emotions or hit the gym harder to kick out the anger that has been held within – both work equally great!

I find the best part about going through a break up is the immediate learning period that follows. It could be seeing that relationship in retrospective and bettering myself for the future, or picking up qualities I admire and disliked, and so on.

Don’t know why I felt the need to write about this – we broke up a long time ago, but I have been doing a lot of thinking lately… and realized how much I’ve changed. I’ve become more emotional and aware of them, I guess this is all part of growing up and actually being a human for once.

But a couple good things came out of that relationship – I know what I want in a man in a healthy, loving union, and respect myself to walk away from bullshit. Living and learning y’all.