the passionate musician

March 5, 2017

I went on my first date since my breakup this past weekend. The best part? We met a bar where I drunkly passed my phone to him, without uttering a word. He knew what to do – he added his digits.

And I left…

Initially before going into this date, I told myself I was ready. Parts of me feel completely ready to commit myself to someone else in addition to myself, but there is a tiny part of me that is afraid to go through the emotions that comes with a relationship – like the ugly and pretty, and all that shit. I know, I can’t have my cake and eat it, too. Plus, if I learned anything from my last relationship is that it ain’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies.

Not to say that I don’t know this – but I am just afraid to be vulnerable again. That is basically what I am trying to say. But this is natural for those who are going through post-break ups though, so my emotions are valid.

The date went well, and it was nice to be treated like a Princess. He’s an honest man, and he spoke with passion about his love for cooking and music. A passionate man is hella sexy.

The date was coming to a close, and that’s when I knew this is the last time I am ever going to see him. Simply because I didn’t feel that excitement post-date. You know, the whole smitten feels and non-stop thinking about you – a lot these thoughts, really. I didn’t get that – not even a tiny firework. It was like “meh.” In other words, I was not completely head over heels.

I relayed this to my close friends, and they say to give it another go. Everyone deserves a second chance, but I am not trying to waste his time if we don’t share the same frequency. Also note, I am not a woman who goes on a date for the free meals and drinks – I don’t roll that way, y’all. 

I learned my lesson from previous experiences very similar to this…and I am trying really hard about listening to my inner voice and practice what I’ve been preaching – staying true to myself. 

xoxo

 

 

hi, wsup, wsuh, what’s good

January 16, 2017

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Damn, it’s been awhile hasn’t it? 

My bad. You know what they say? Life happens.

Visiting my parents and friends last months made it harder to leave California this time. I think also because I was in a very vulnerable state and needed an escape. In all, wonderful trip and I wish I can go back because of the warmer weather, but I am happy to be back at home doing my thang. Came back to New York and left all the shit that I dealt with back in California.

The last couple weeks of 2017 has been great. A friend told me I was glowing. GIRL, GLOW UP. Just kidding.

It has been great because work has been better – finally getting a grip – and thecnnekt.com is growing! I finally learned how to balance life and work – stay tuned with an upcoming story.

Thecnnekt got a facelift, exciting upcoming content (we just filmed our first interview!), and just a lot of that new, new. Hella thrilled. #StayTuned

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I was not kidding when I said I was embarking a clean slate – it certainly feels like it. I am just excited to see what this year will bring. A whole lot of newness and goodness despite what is going in the World.

I just quickly wanted to check in and say: I am alive. I am better.

BTW when you’re in some type of mood.

When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed. – Unknown

xoxo.

2017: The Year of Focus & Action

December 25, 2016

I am writing to you from my parents’ sofa on Christmas Eve. Streaming Hunger Games Mockingjay part two, and my ass is glued to this very seat for the last five hours. It feels good, but watching show after show made me feel like I needed to be productive and flex my creative muscle.

So viola! 

Disclosure, I started on this draft a couple weeks ago on the F train to Brooklyn. But I began refining as the days went on. After reading through my last post, it only made sense for me to write about what to look forward to in the New Year.

By tradition, I come up with an annual theme and center my goals around something that really needs attention on. In 2014, I told myself it was okay to be selfish. In 2015, I was becoming a better woman. In 2016, I heavily practiced intentions. In 2017, I intend to stay focus and take action. 

Generally though, I have to say, I am a pretty actionable woman, but could use some discipline in being focused.

Finances – I have accrued so much debt in the last couple of years. Good and bad decisions altogether. But when I closely look at my finances, I want to make better decisions and set myself up for a healthy credit score. In order for me to do this and making above minimum credit payments, I devised a plan of how to slowly tackle my debt. This means less coffee purchases, fancy dinner dates, and fast-fashion consumption (this is very rare btw). But in short, to be more mindful of my purchases and make financial goals for myself – like save up for a trip in 2018.

Health – this category encompasses the mind, body, and soul. I haven’t trained as hard as I used to. For many reasons, but as I hear myself say repeatedly, “I have no time,” yet I make time for drinking engagements that does more damage to my body than good. I need to stop bitching about having no time because clearly I do. I know it’s often cheesy and one of the primary goals for the New Year is to drop pounds, but I am not here to say that I am one of those individuals. It is more like staying healthy and fit because it makes me feel good. Just do better because I know I am capable of it. As far as my mind and soul, just practicing old affirmations and do what makes me feel good and happy. 

Personal development –  I have always struggled with being compassionate with myself. The reason for this is because I know I can do better and have this tough love attitude with myself (it is embedded in me, okay). I didn’t realize how crippling I was talking and treating myself until a friend pointed it out. I am fully aware about self-love and all this jazz, trust me. But right now, I need to reteach myself all these wonderful old lessons. I want to continue to be bolder, expand my knowledge, and volunteer in the community more. Yes, that means being an advocate and/or activist. Lastly to really outdo myself, truly get out there more and step out of my comfort zone – learn a new skill or pick up a new hobby. This falls into the “be bold” part. 

My goals this year are a little more elaborative compared to the previous years. I don’t know where this profound motivation and this need to conquer came from, but these last few months, I’ve gain more clarity than throughout the year, and set myself up for success. I am done bitching about these last two months and how emotionally exhausting it has been. Enough talking, more walking if you know what I mean.

Closing this entry with this message in case any of my friends are going through some rough patches of their own:

One day, in retrospect, the year of struggle wills trike you as the most beautiful. – Sigmund Freud

With love,

C

2016 in a nutshell

December 17, 2016

The year is coming to an end and by tradition, I reflect what has happened in the last 12 months. Things I’ve learned, succeeded – you know, all that emotional, provoking shit. 

Tiffany and I explored Dyker Heights last Friday and we talked about our year. While she and I are going through changes, we had to look deeper. It was actually a great year for the both of us.

This is typical right? Where we are often fixated on the things we don’t have than the wonderful things we do have. 

I get extremely annoyed with myself when I forget to check myself – that is count my blessings. It’s so easy for us to get wrapped up in the negativity and spiral down from there. Enough of that, my pits (lows) and peaks (highs) of 2016: the Year of Intention. 

Peaks: 

  • a lot of family time; Houston this past summer was one of my favorite memories. Everyone all dolled up for my aunt and uncle’s anniversary party and getting drunk and high with my cousins. No more chocolate. Ever. 
  • Travelled more than I thought I would’ve. Quick weekend getaways, but that’s better than nothing. Seattle, The Bay, Virginia, and DC
  • Launching thecnnekt, obviously. A project I’ve had in the works for a very long time and to see the success right now always makes me wanna cry because this is something I never saw coming and just fulfills me in ways I cannot express to you. Truly excited to see the growth of the project next year 
  • Falling in love. This is something I rarely highlight because I’ve displayed my affection on social media when I was in that relationship. But it’s true, one of the best feelings is love and I’m so thankful I’ve got to experience that. I feel like I overcame this fear of being vulnerable with someone. But I have to say after this experience, I need to focus on myself for awhile.  
  • #Girlboss moves. This year I recognized my value. The year where I put my foot down and asked for more pay, sought a title change, and made a lateral move.

Pits: 

  • Election 2016. You already know how I feel. I’m still angry. 
  • Lost my job. Only because I wasn’t in control and really put my finances in a rut. It made me realize to always a Plan B and devise a Fuck Off Fund
  • Break ups are rough.

I believe life has a way of figuring itself out. This will pass, is what I remind myself. 

I don’t say this often about myself, but yeah, I am pretty badass!

As I begin to draft ideas for 2017, I am excited to see what’s in store for me. Went through a lot personally and professionally this year, so I am hoping next year I can catch a fucking break. Plus, I’ll be creeping in my “late twenties” which I am so excited about. Very excited (:

I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN. 

I mean, I’ve been grown, but now when I say I am in my late twenties people will look at me more respectable and not categorized me as a “baby.” 

K, bye.

c

i’ve been a little lost

November 16, 2016

From September up to now, I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. 

From losing my job to losing myself – and to top it off, Hillary’s election loss, there were so many changes and emotions going on in a short period of time. There were days and weeks at a time where I couldn’t compose myself.

Work has been quite challenging, but this is what I call growth. I am in a completely new field and environment that has been amounting to some stress. There are many perks such as my team and the work culture, but the work itself has been difficult. My VP sat with me today and told me to start all over – as in my strategy approach. Reset, she said.  I’ll save the full on details for a story at thecnnekt.com

But a preview of the work culture – my boss calls me “Honey” and said, “I want a relationship with you.” This is a whole new level that I have never experienced. Right now my focus has been centered around work and expanding thecnnekt. This is not new news, really. 

Simultaneously as I embarked a new career, I am going through this again. This time not as bad as the last. The wound is deeper because I did not foresee this pain. I feel lost yet again, but reading Michael Faudet’s words gave me comfort:

Lost is a lovely place to find yourself.  ‘

I like to remind myself that we all are lost in some ways and this is natural in life. So that’s that. In my attempts of doing so, I’ve joined a running club, go to meetups, indulge in art regularly, and simply establishing new routines. I’m a fan of routines. 

Sidebar: you know the funny thing is, I used to be the girl that never cried in public to becoming the woman who cries everywhere in New York. On the train. On the sidewalk. In the restaurant. In pigeon pose during yoga class. Everywhere – ask the girls. It’s crazy how New York and love has made me so vulnerable. 

To tell you the truth: I’m still not one-hundred percent okay. Parts of me is impatient with myself, but in these last couple of weeks, I’ve started to feel healthy, again. Like emotionally stable. 

I know I will have my moments where I do feel hurt, and I need to allow myself to mourn and feel the loss. I’ve come to terms that it is okay to not be okay. 

So to my family and friends, I am sorry that I’ve isolated myself from a lot of social invites and communication, in general. I was going through a lot of shit that I was not ready to share with you and the public, but I am ready to come back to life again.

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 Candid photo taken for work. 

with much love,
c

post-election thoughts

November 13, 2016

I did not want to write something right away because it would’ve been a reactive post. Instead, I let these thoughts, emotions, and how the post-election ravel itself.

There is so much noise right now, and I just wanted to stay silent. I think we all had this expectation for Hillz to win. We, the Democrats, were certain. 

I was trying so hard to fight my tiredness, but when 3am rolled around, I had to sleep.  I woke up thinking, maybe things changed and the final results came out differently. No. All over Twitter read, “Donald Trump is president elected.” 

My heart sank. Is this what America is? Yes.

Who are we fooling. America has always been like this, but we chose to see things differently. We surrounded ourselves who share the same perspectives. For me, the Progressives, obviously. We easily de-friend people who have different views than us, when we should have listened. 

Makes me wonder do I live in a fucking bubble?

I invested in this Election – so when Hillary didn’t metaphorically shatter the Glass Ceiling in the Javits Center, I cried. This is what Hillary’s loss meant to me: that a woman, despite her credentials, knowledge and how well she conducts herself, she will be remained unfit.

Then, there is this whole other argument, but a common one. Hearing people’s comments about how she lacked emotion makes me so upset. It is never a win-win for Us (women). When we show too much emotion we are labeled as “too emotional” and if we are composed, we are categorized as cold-hearted, stoic, or my ultimate favorite robotic.

What the fuck do you want from Us? 

I know there are many variables involved in this election as well – how she is a manipulative politician and will not bring much change to our nation. There can be a running list of things that the people and the media has shared, but my takeaway is that reality, being a woman in America. We just had their first Black President, they were in no way ready for a woman to call the shots. I get it – instead we have a buffoon as our Future President. 

As Hillary said in her concession speech, we need to stay together and also be opened to see how Trump will lead us as a nation. Although I have not quite accepted it fully yet, I will try to mourn less and be open-minded.
I am excited though to see how the next four years will unfold because in New York, Oakland, and Los Angeles, I’ve seen all these rallies and protest, and it just reminds me of the older revolutions in the 60s.
This is the time for change, everyone.
Be ready. 
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We have still have not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling. But some day, someone will. – Hillary Rodham Clinton

you deserve better

November 3, 2016

You deserve better.

Whether it is being disrespected by your colleagues or compromising your wants and needs in a relationship, it is a sentence that is often said to comfort the person, and in a way, to provoke a call to action.

Why do we say this? Out of obligation? I have always appreciated comments like this and question its genuineness, but it makes me ponder: do I really deserve better?

Before I begin, I am one of those individuals who are careful with words and don’t toss around certain words so freely. I’m intentional. So when I think of the word “deserve” I go by its definition: do something or have or show qualities worthy of.

Now let me align the definition with an example – let’s say, my job – I really applied myself, going above and beyond, and now during my evaluation, I believe a raise is well-deserved.

That is how it’s done, right? I worked hard, when the salary doesn’t compensate the demands I’ve met, I ask for a raise because I deserve it. Yet some people, including my younger self and recent graduates, refuse to accept any offers that are entry-level salary or don’t pay enough because they have a degree and two internships.

Why do we think and feel we deserve more? 

Shifting thoughts now – if I think I don’t deserve any better, what does that say about me? That I don’t value myself? That I battle with self-confidence? But what if I truly believe i don’t deserve better because I know that I did not applied myself 100 percent?

What if I felt that I didn’t earn it?

So ask yourself: do you truly deserve better? 

clean slate

October 21, 2016

Starting Monday, I am on a new career path.

I will be working in one of New York’s finest recruiting agency. I’m nervous, but eager to embark this new chapter in my life. LinkedIn and Facebook updated. Yeah, it’s real. 

Before I secured this opportunity – I had a whole month to explore new places (eateries and bars), zone in with thecnnekt, write and pitch stories to be published, and the most importantly – evaluate my direction in life. 

I had the time to really reset. Reset on myself and my career. 

There are so many life’s uncertainties, as I am sure we all feel, but I knew I had this strong desire to start somewhere new and outside of fashion. This ‘want’ for something new has been brewing in me for a very long time. I was ready to be stimulated and challenged in a new working environment. Above all, I wanted to be valued as an employee and individual.

At first, when you are out of a job, you are panicking and getting whatever you can. Not having time to think about what appropriate steps to take. The whole conflict is: beggars can’t be choosers. 

I didn’t want to be a beggar anymore. I wanted to choose wisely. I had a jumpstart on the job search since late August and early September. While this has been a slow moving process, it allowed me some time. So, I genuinely asked myself: do you really want this? 

The career lateral direction was a move we all saw coming. This time in the job search, I consciously sought positions outside of the fashion and PR arenas. You all can agree with me that job hunting is such a painful experience. There is a lot of labor in this and so many emotions, at least for me.

I have never felt so insecure about my professionalism and competency until I began looking into different industries. My initial reactions were: what if I am not smart enough? Can I really do this? Am I selling myself short? Do you really, really, really want this job?

These reactions are normal, I tell myself. And if you haven’t noticed though, I’m insecure AF. 

But anyway, I just wanted to share that little bit with you: if you are serious about making a change in your career, take your time to evaluate the roles out there and once you find out what space you want to be in, be assertive. 

I think a repeated lesson here is: take fucking risks and learn to bet on yourself. It’s worth the gamble. You’ll be surprised. For me, it’s all well-deserved and I’m feeling incredibly thankful.

 

C

PS: here are some archives to stir up old feels: saying goodbye to pr, outgrowing fashion, the black sheep, and moving onward.

 

sex and the city

October 16, 2016

It’s Sunday night and I just finished hanging out with Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte.

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I finished six seasons in one entire week – I know, this is hardcore binging. I have never seen the entire series, all at once ever. As a kid, the show would play late night, and I only caught a few minutes of the episodes not comprehending the plot or anything. I was never a die-hard fan.

Now having watched the series as an adult, I have a vastly different opinions and thoughts. Three in particular – One: wow, what a huge disservice to women in New York. Two: Carrie is stupid. Three: Miranda is my profound favorite.

I think it’s natural for us to want to cling to a particular character – whether they have archetypes that we obtain or aspire to have. Of course, like with most women-relationship centric shows, I try to find myself in these characters. While it can be for the obvious reason, I could be a Carrie, but then I realized, I am not quite like her.

I wasn’t like anyone – they all had a little something-something that summed up me, but not solely one character.

Carrie is immature in a lot of ways. Though her humor is fabulous and so is her shoe collection, a columnist who cannot prioritize her finances was not cute. How is she making that much money and spending it on Manolos? Not only that, I think her obsession with being in a relationship was stupid. I’d never move to Paris with a man because he says, “Let’s go” or some shit. For me, you better put a ring on it if you are trying to take me out of New York. I am not kidding.

I understand that there may be a population of women who are obsessed with relationships, but let’s just say, I’ve never been the type to really, really chase for love. So yeah, that is my verdict on Carrie.

I grew to admire Miranda throughout my binge. It’s ironic because I remember when I was younger, a lot of girls did not want to be the Miranda, so I didn’t want to be the Miranda. But Miranda is a realist, though she can come off as a thousand percent cynic. I liked how she was very judgmental and asked the fearful questions because, well, someone has to do it, right? Call someone out on their shit and be that honest friend. Her life seem more attainable and the way she carried herself. Her issues were more than trying to get laid or chase some fantasy relationship. Although she did complain about not having sex in a few episodes.

I am not undermining Carrie’s issues, but c’mon. 

I did not want to write another blurb dissecting every true/false depiction of Women in New York because other major publications have done it and well, I don’t have time to do something that detailed. But I figured I share some initial thoughts as soon as I wrap up the series while

Here’s my last thought – the frequency of ladies who lunch is not attainable whatsoever….Four grown women dining together like that all the time? I have to plan weeks out to get time with the girls. Seriously.

Ta-ta for now!

C

 

writing is personal

October 11, 2016

I was asked, “Do you write for yourself?”

That may sound like a silly question to you, but it really raises the question: are you doing it for yourself or for an audience?

For me, writing has always been so personal. Before I went some sort of public with my life through Xanga, I have always confided in spiral bind college-rule pages as a young girl – a time where I was more reserved and had no one to talk to. I remember old journals filled up with sparkly gel-pens – ah, those pubescent ages. 

Now approaching the latter of my twenties, my blog and my private journal continues to be the spaces where I share my thoughts. But I bounce back to the original question – if I am writing for myself or an audience, often.

A photo by Dustin Lee. unsplash.com/photos/jLwVAUtLOAQ

Do I gear towards a central theme because I know it will create buzz? This is my publicity and marketing brain speaking. Or do I write about the shit I go through and just share it with the World in hopes it will connect with people? This is me talking. 

I think it is what I choose to write about that will make me steer one way or the other…

Truthfully, it’s never solely the former. However, doing the work that I do now such as heading up thecnnekt, it is a mesh of both. I want to write stories that remain personal, but can spark that connection between the audience. I want the reader to feel whatever I am feeling. I want their thoughts to be provoked!

This is because based on what our contributors and I have shared with the public – the feedback our team has received has been tremendous. I really think we are onto something great! 

But at the end of the day (and in my private journal), I do write for myself as a way to document my life – keep tabs on my development and well, sanity.

So if you asked me that question again, I don’t know if I can simplify my response for you.

C